MooDy+SaD+HaPPy HaPPY+DePReSSed

update

2004-11-19T13:50:00.000+08:00

mi now study 4 days a wk liao..... quite sian..... exams coming soon lioa... but then i stll no mood to study... really very bad of mi... hai...

i miss my office gang ppl.... long time never hang out with them liao....

I feeling very empty

2004-09-25T21:34:00.000+08:00

I feel very sian… or rather I feel empty…… boring also….. I dun know why but cannot seem to settle down to study at all. I haven’t touched even touch my book since the day I started. I am super damn lazy right? I really feel no mood. Practical to me seem quite alright but not theory, really so sick and tire.

I just met up with Jue Hui, Serene, Wen Jie and Quiyan for a game of badminton. I enjoy it and I think they will remember it because it’s their first time at airport playing badminton, I also leh. I going out liao….. update another time

So sian ..... sian.... sian.....sian.....nothing to decribe except sian....

2004-09-18T18:53:00.000+08:00

It had been quite some time since I last update my blog already. I finally managed to book a badminton court for this coming Friday. Think Jue Hui & Gigi will be joyful. Finally we can play badminton together, after dragging for so long already.

I went to the food fair at Suntec last Thursday. I had been so call persuade by the Prudential guy to buy the stupid endowment plan. I didn’t really want it but he kept on persuading me. I told my mum the next day, I got a huge and terrible scolding from her. Poor me….. sob sob……But never mind because I still can cancel it. Hopefully I can get back my money. Sometime I can’t help but think that I am stupid. Or rather to console myself, I should say I am gullible….. haha

This week nothing much special happen, except that I am kind of quite bored. I intend to take up make-up course but it is too expensive and not worth it. I am going to take another beauty course known as World Master. In this course, I will learn much more than the present course I am taking. It’s more practical and less theory. I enjoy the course I am doing now, except the theory part, which can be quite boring. This will also means that I will have much lesser free time, got to study four days a week, quite of sian.

The other course I wanted to take since young is intensive personal enhancement. This is a one to one session making a total of nine hours. This course will teach me fashion sense, etiquette, postures and many more. Guess how much its cost for this? $1100, it’s very expensive right? If I bring along a friend, it will be $550 each, but still very expensive. Maybe if I win 4D then maybe can go.

Today, after 20 years, I helped my mummy wash and scrub her feet and do pedicure for her. I really wonder who will wash and scrub their mothers’ feet …. Hee….. I must praise myself for being so filial.

It had been quite some time since I contact Papa and Ah Ma already. I read Papa’s blog, look like she having a difficult time. Sometime, I really think that maybe that is called love ba. I think I can never sacrifice so much for my other half. I really admire her for that. Her appearance can be deceiving, which is always so cool and hack care. But she can be so full of love, care and concern. Ah ma should be busying dating ba. Hope she will manage to find a job soon.

Recently, one of my secondary school friend contact me, and we chat on the phone for almost everyday. But then don’t know why, we just stopped chatting on the phone and messages also become lesser and lesser. I don’t know why, I had been feeling kind of weird and bored. Maybe I just had too much free time doing nothing then end up thinking a lot of nonsense things. Haiz…… Really miss those working days at OCBC…..

Miserable n depressed…….. truth is always so hurting

2004-09-10T19:04:00.000+08:00

It had been a long long time since I last updated my blog. Last week I just found out the whole truth about him from friendster. After that I met Gigi and Jue Hui for movie (Cinderella story). Actually, that time I really need someone to talk to but I didn’t know who to say to. Later at night, I called Airlia, unfortunately, she didn’t pick up the phone. I didn’t talk to anyone about it.

Here’s this is what I saw at friendster:

Steven, 06/20/2004:
Pat ah, really a nice n demure gal.. i like her very much..Vey cheerful... Pat, go ahead and find someone better.. "hE" isn't worth ur time n effort.. He's a f**king ba**ard.. Anyway, u got me n evon.. siStA FoReVeR !!!!

Patricia, 09/01/2004:
DeaR deAr~~~ haha this is the first testi i wrote for u...I'm really happy to have u by my side...U r really the best i ever have...although u keep askin me y...but jus noe can aradi dun ask y k? heehee...i really enjoyed the days we been together..its really fun!! U r soOoOooOo CuteEEeeEE!!! heehee... Dun always say tat u scared tat i will find u naggy...no..i like u to be naggy..heehee..at least i noe u still care abt me...heehee..u r sure a sweet guy!!I noe that the future road is hard for the both of us but we will walk through together..yeah we will...forever...I love Ya!!! Muacks...

This isthe description of what that girl type:

About me
hmm...its hard for me to describe myself... y dun you read the testimonial... time to update... i finally found the guy of my life...ya..he's the one..the most wonderful guy on earth!!

From their testimonials and the descriptions, they both wrote. I know that they will be together for very long time. That girl must have been through a lot with her ex, putting in lot of effort which is not appreciated. I know that he will treasure her. I think nobody had ever praise him till like that.

I know I got to really give him up and forget everything but I really cannot. I still feel sad and miserable. I didn’t go to pray already also. I try not to think so much and move on with my life.

Feeling after sending the gift

2004-08-25T11:18:00.000+08:00

I had sent the bottle of hearts and card last Friday (20-8). After that, I did not think of anything already. My whole mind and body felt so relax. Maybe I just forced myself not to think of the consequences but let nature takes its place.

Until now, I did not have any news from him. I checked his Friendster today, everything remained the same. His last log in was 22/8, which was yesterday. I didn’t dare to go in until today.

I didn’t regret sending the hearts. But I don’t know if he got receive or not, there is no news at all. I can only assume that he had received but just didn’t want to rely anything negative. I think it better this way, rather that message me to tell me that he don’t want to start all over again. It will be too cruel. On the other hand, I also feel that if he tell me directly, it will also be better because I will then give up totally.

I had not been praying for quite some time already. I also don’t know why. But I think I will continue to go Soka there, as long as Jeslin asked me to go.

I am very excited over my new school. I will be learning manicure and pedicure for the first few weeks of school.

Didn’t send the gift again…. Sob sob

2004-08-25T11:17:00.000+08:00

I met and treated Ice for lunch today. She said I grow up already as I now earn money to treat her already. By right, I should have lunch with Serena because she promised to go with me to send the present. As a result, I didn’t send it. She helped me to warp the present.

Vexed over the bottle of hearts

2004-08-16T17:46:00.000+08:00

I really don’t know if I should give him the bottle of hearts or not. But I know I definitely will give him the letter. Both Jeslin and Airlia think that I should give him everything, rather than just the letter. Airlia warned me that reality is cruel. I must be on my feet firmly regardless of what the outcome will be. Actually, I quite of anticipate what the outcome will be. Then why am I doing this? Maybe I just want my heart to die completely. I don’t know if I will hate him or not. I should not because everything is not his faults. If only I know how to cherish him, nothing of this sort will happen.

I really deserve what I am going through. There’s nobody I can blame except for me alone. I am going through the same emotional ordeal again.

Today is the first day without Airlia. I feeling quite of bored. Nobody really talk to me. Ah ma is busy typing her own stuffs and I also don’t want to disturb her. The new girl called Celina is quite friendly and Serena said she looks like GIGI. She is quite cute and cheerful. I understand that lives have to go on no matter whose is not around. The earth will continue to rotate. It’s a sad truth.

I am leaving OCBC on 27th of August. I don’t think I will write cards like Airlia. I am a person that hates writing. I didn’t even give Steven any card throughout our five years relationship. I am such a damn lousy and idiot girlfriend. I never let him know how I feel also. Every year on my birthday, he never failed to give me a birthday card. But never did I once gave him. Only on his 19th birthday, I then send him an internet card. But then we have already broken up. This card that I am sending will be the first card I am giving him. It could be memory to him also. Even though, we may not patch but I hope he will keep this card as memory.

I had forgotten to say my feelings about the card that Airlia gave me. Actually, I was kind of shock that she will do such a thing. I mean it’s unlikely of her character. Airlia is someone who is hard to predict her feelings and thoughts. It’s quite of hard to understand her. I was touched and moved. One thing great about working here is that I get to know Serene, Jue Hui and Airlia.

Now, let me said about Serena, she is someone who jokes then tells people that she is joking and asked that person not to take to heart. She is also very sweet to me and always taking care of me to ensure that I don’t work too hard. She is caring also. And another thing about her is that she is very innocent.

Lastly, Jue Hui, she is like a small sister to me. Somehow, she resembles my baobei. However, I didn’t spend much time with her. But then we keep in contact through emails. I and Jue Hui still can click. We got things to talk about also. Oh, we are going to play badminton on Friday together with GIGI and Wen Jie. I doubt Ah ma can make it because she got to go dating.

I look as if I am leaving OCBC already by writing all my thoughts about them. The conclusion part now, I am going to send both the card and the bottle of hearts. No matter what the outcome will be I should bravely face it. I going to wrapped the bottle of hearts on Tuesday. I don’t want to think so much. If I get him into trouble with his mum, then it’s just too bad for him. I very bad right?

Graduation Day

2004-08-13T19:45:00.000+08:00

Haiz…. Feeling real suck….. I think over already…. It’s better for me to proceed to send the letter regardless of the consequences. I just don’t want to have any regret. You can call me super thick skin or any horrible names. I still think that life will be very miserable if you have regret.

I am still waiting for this miracle between I plan my future. If I can get back with him, I rather sacrifice my future by working less so that I have more time with him. But if I fail, I should work hard and earns lot of money. I should work hard to forget everything and move on.

Yesterday, my sister suddenly said why I twenty already still no boyfriend. She scare that wo hui jia bu chu qu. I was quite hurt by her remark. Sometime I really cannot help it but think am I that lousy? Why I cannot be like other people so bless and happy?

I really hope to numb myself. I don’t know this time I need how long before I recover and move on?

I just finished attending the graduation. It was quite boring. After the ceremony, I didn’t stay back to take photo with my friends but leave with my dad. It was quite silly of me, right?

How am I feeling right now? I feeling real suck. I am feeling very empty, lonely and depressed. I feeling depressed still got because of what reason except for him. I go re-read his profile. He had finished his depression period already. Right now, he is happily attached to a wonderful girl that was what he wrote. I was shock when I saw this. I don’t know if I should carry out my plan or not.

I should scold myself. Please wake up you this stupid, idiot and foolish girl. It’s not possible between you two. Why must you hold on when he had already move so far already?

I cannot help it. Haiz……………

I really don’t feel like living, yet I lack the courage to commit suicide. There nothing worth holding on. I am really tire. Sob sob :<

I can blame nobody, except myself. If only I know how to cherish him, nothing will happen and I won't be so pathetic.

Heart in million pieces….. Scatter all around

2004-08-13T10:56:00.000+08:00

Heart in million pieces….. Scatter all around

I wrote a testimonial for him, just a shooting star. But he didn’t approve it. I felt very miserable. The worst is he uploaded a new girl photo in his Friendster. My heart is like in a million pieces, scattered all around that cannot be pieced back. I waited so long for him to become single. In his profile, he even wrote that he is going through a period of depression. And there he is in love with another girl. I also don’t know if I should send the card now? Or I should do like what Airlia said, forget about him and move on in life. I am really hurting. It’s very painful. I wondered if she is the friend that he was with yesterday. Nobody knows except for him. I doubt one day I will be able to know it.

I go and checked his status again. He is attached again. How could he? Nothing can describe my mood. I really feel like crying but somehow the tears don’t flow out. Should I be so thick skinned to send the card?

Why did he message me he changed number and asked me to go out for coffee? He gave me hope but destroyed it. He hurt me far too deeply. I am speechless.

HOW AM I FEELING?

2004-08-12T15:22:00.000+08:00

I went to his house yesterday. Or rather I should say I went to his house outside. I went up to his level; his door was opened, I was very nervous, so I just ran to the stair case there. Airlia helped me to look at the unit number. We then go downstairs to check if he got open his letter box or not. To my disappointment, it was not open, so I cannot slot in the card.

We then went to the bus stop. I was very down and depressed. I didn’t want to leave just like that. Through Airlia encouragement, I message him to ask him if he want to meet or not. His rely was, he now with his friends and then said other day. I don’t know if this was the truth. But I hope it is. Actually I kind of expected this type of rely.

Now comes to the conclusion part, I think I just send the card by mail and a floppy disc which will contain the photo of the bottle of hearts. Why am I doing this? This is because I really think that the chance of re- starting this relationship is very slim and he won’t meet me also. But all I wanted to do is to re- try. If I failed again, I should have no regret but to move on in life.

Yesterday, I was thinking if only we can patch, I will do a lot of things for him. For example, buying a lotion to help him massage his back so that his back pain will not recur. I even think of going to fetch him from work. To far extend me really wanted to cook for him to eat. I don’t know if I had the chance or not. I want to shower him with all my care, love and concern.

Airlia, said something about me which make me very sad. She said, I like a very lousy girlfriend for five years already, I still don’t know a lot of things. I alighted at the wrong bus stop; we walk about two to three bus stop distance. I had been too dependent on him already.

Tomorrow is my graduation. I am very sian because my hair is so ugly. Wen Jie said I look like ah ma, so old. I want to go to salon but I think it’s a waste of money.

SHOULD I OR SHOULDN’T I

2004-08-12T15:21:00.000+08:00

These few days, I didn’t sleep well also. I had been thinking a lot these few days. I really wanted to message him but I didn’t dare. I was thinking since I had brought the card already, may as well give it to him. I was thinking that maybe I should mail the bottle of hearts and the card to him, but I fear that his mum might see it and be unhappy or worst still scold him about it.

I don’t know if I should do it or not, but then I really wanted to give it one last shot. If he really rejects me, I should stop all the praying and really forget about him. I should really give it up. For the past ten months, it had been living hell for me. I became more and more pessimistic and even change my outlook toward love. I don’t even dare to accept a new love also. Sometime, I was so depressed that I was thinking of going the crooked way. But on the other hand, I am thinking, I was too silly. If I take the crooked way, then cannot become straight again, how? Maybe I will regret, I also don’t know also. But so far, I still cannot get over him.

I had been acting happy for far too long already. The stress that had been building up is no longer within my tolerance level. I will be going crazy soon.

Yesterday, I pluck up my courage and called Airlia, I wanted her to help me with the task I had in mind for a long time already. I wanted to slot the card inside his mail box if it’s open or just mail to him. I even cancelled my tuition. I know I had to do it today if not; I wouldn’t have another chance because Airlia is leaving soon. There’s nobody I can approach expect for her. My friends won’t be able to understand this and will laugh at me.

I too think I am silly. Actually the percentage of success is very low, but he is going to overseas soon. I just wanted to know the answer before he goes, rather than to wait another year for nothing. The blow will then be too great for me already.
Today (11/8), Siew Choo treat all of us to lunch, but the main reason is because Airlia is leaving soon. But then, Snail suddenly turns up. She really looks very sweet. Upon learning that we are having lunch together she became angry. Airlia went to “hong” her, and then missed the lunch treat.

When Airlia came back, she looked so depressed and angry. I don’t even dare to say much also. I know that she won’t be going with me to Sengkang with me today. I don’t think I dare to bring this up also. Maybe, its fate that stops me from doing this. I am feeling sad and miserable. There’s nothing I can do. Should I just leave it?

Why am I praying so hard for the miracle? Actually, I thought that my effort of praying paid off, because he messages me out of the blue and ask me for a drink. I was over the moon. He didn’t even message Yuan Yuan to tell her. But after that time, everything since to go back to square one again. I thought of making an effort but heaven don’t let.

I asking myself now, SHOULD I JUST GIVE UP JUST LIKE WHAT AIRLIA SAY?

Deep down me, I know that it won’t be possible because my heart wont died. I still harbour the hope of it.

Everything really finishes already. I am now left with no more courage already. Maybe I just admit to fate. My mind is in a whirl of pool.

e song tat descibe my feeling

2004-08-09T13:24:00.000+08:00

He's always on my mind
From the time I wake upTill I close my eyes
He's everywhere I gohe's all I know
And though he's so far away
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now he's gone
I'm still holdin' on
So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breakin my heart
Don't wanna let him go
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows
My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set him free
And if he returns in time
I'll know he's mine
So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breaking my heart
Don't wanna let him go
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows
Why I live in despair
'Cause wide awake or dreamingI know he's never there
And all the time I act so braveI'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray'
Cause heaven knows
Heaven knows
Heaven knows

Why he add me in friendster 4/8

2004-08-09T13:23:00.000+08:00

I went online today then discover he added me again in friendster. Actually, I was quite of shock, why did he add me after he had deleted me. Could the reason be that he wanted me to know that he in single but he still cannot forget his ex, because the photos of him and his ex is still online.

I wanted to message that and why him why he back on friendster again, however, I got to leave for work liao so no time to add him the message.

Feelings aft reading his profile

2004-08-02T15:56:00.000+08:00

I went to friendster again today. He had updated his friendster. He put his status as single. When I saw this, I am very joyful. He didn’t lied to me. However, under the section “ABOUT ME”, he wrote, I am going through a period of depression and he will be posting to overseas. He still put his photos together with his ex. I can still feel the love he had for her. He cannot let go, just like what I am going through. He must have felt miserable.

Actually I don’t feel good also. I felt very depressed. I thought I had a chance to patch with him, but it seems rather slim. Firstly, he cannot get over it. Secondly, he goes to overseas soon. I don’t know when I can pass the card and hearts to him; just hope that before he goes for his overseas training.

I don’t really understand what is going on. He asked to meet then after that he said that he going to overseas. He didn’t even message me anymore. I cannot possibility be so thick skin to message him and harass him, right? I too got my pride. He gave me the hope and then destroys it for me. He cannot feel the love I had for him is it?

At the instant, when he message me to tell me that he going to overseas, I really fear that I will lose him. I don’t want to care or think so much, just want to patch with him.

Sometime, I just feel that I should let go but then I just could not. Maybe I just don’t think so much, but continue to pray hard for miracle. I really hope that miracle will happen.

Birthday

2004-07-31T11:14:00.000+08:00

I really hate it. He lie to me. i went to friendster to check. Somehow, in the past, I cannot see him. I now know why cause he deleted me off his account. No wonder yuan yuan still said can see him on friendster. His last login is on 30/7. He still attached. I am like the biggest fool in this world.

he is attached then why did he message to meet and give me false hope. No wonder today, he didn't even meet me. I am so so heart- broken. There goes my birthday. I even wrote a card for him, also dun think I will have the chance to give it to him.

I had deleted my friendster profile already. Too angry and sad.

IT COMES DOWN TO THIS (i still love you baby)

2004-07-27T18:12:00.001+08:00

What can I sayI've lost you again
you made your decision
and put "us" to an end
What I didn"t expecthad come so fast
I guess we were different cause I thought it would last
What made me happywas to see you smile and now that you're gone
it will take me a while
Though you're not mine
I still strive to see your face
God it's hard to believe
it seems so out of place
I thought that I knew you
I thought you were right
But you changed my opinionin one single night
To say I'm not sad
well it's all a big lie'
cuz when you see me happy
I'm really wanting to cry
I'm sure that you're glad now that you're free
no more holding you back
just 'cuz of me
You just wanna be friends
I guess that'll have to do but please never forget
I will always love you

I think abt u day n nite

2004-07-27T18:12:00.000+08:00

I WONDER HOW I LET YOU GET AWAY
YOU MEAN SO MUCH I NEED YOUR TOUCH
I NEED TO NOW YOU ARE HERE
SO I CAN HOLD YOU NEAR

LATE AT NIGHT I SIT AND CRY
I JUST ASK MYSELF WHY

I MAKE YOU MAD I MAKE YOU SAD
NOW I’AM LONELY WITHOUT YOU I NEED YOU BAD

WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER
WE WOULD GO TO CLASS AND WALK
NOW WE ARE SEPARATED AND WE DON’T EVEN TALK

I MADE YOU CONFUSED I MADE YOU BLUE
BUT BABY MY WORLD DOES NOT TURN WITHOUT YOU

WE HAD OUR LITTLE STUPID FIGHTS
BUT WE WORKED THEM OUT TO MAKE THEM RIGHT

EVERYTHING WE SAID AND TALKED ABOUT IS GONE
I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS NOT RIGHT IT WAS WRONG

I SHOULD OF NEVER LET YOU GO I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE
I TOOK A WRONG TURN NOW I AM ON A BUMPY RIDE

I AM TRYING TO GET BACK ON THE TRACK
MAYBE I WILL GET LUCKY AND GET YOU BACK

I CALLED YOU LITTLE BABY IT WAS OUT LITTLE JOKE
NOW WE BROKE UP
AND OUR DREAMS TOGETHER BLEW UP IN SMOKE

IF WE ARE MEANT TO BE IT IS CALLED FAIT
I HAVE LOTS TIME FOR YOU BABY SO I WILL WAIT

I KNOW YOUR FRIENDS MAY THINK I AM A BAD GUY
BUT DEEP DOWN INSIDE I WILL NOT LIE

I LOVE YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART
I HOPE WE STAY CLOSE AND NEVER GROW APART

LOVE ALWAYS AND FOREVER

2004-07-27T18:10:00.000+08:00

My Letter To You
I'm writing you this letter,
telling you how I feel,
I am very hurt right now,
I wish it weren't for real.
I just can't help myself
I'm going through a lot,
I have so much painI feel like i'm falling apart.
but why did it happen?especially to me,
why was I heartbroken from all them you can see? l
ove hurts so much,
it causes lots of painespecially when you're heart broken all you wanna do is complain.
I feel really sick right nowsick of all the lies,
tellin' me you loved me,when there was someone else by.
I can barely write this letterwhile I sit and cry at night.
I wish it was something better,that I had to write.
I just wanted to tell youthat no matter where you'll be,
I'll always love you...you'll always be my baby.
so one day I may lie,
with no watery eyes,
and guess what baby?
you'll be the one standing by.
I love you so deeply,
I love you with all my heart.
but the way you hurt me,you broke me all apart.
well baby,these are my final words,I just wanted to say goodbye.I
hope you're happy now,that I'm out of your life.
just remember baby,I'll always love you,
I just wish you could have loved me too...

THE ART OF LETTING GO

2004-07-27T18:09:00.000+08:00

It's over. He's gone. Why do we have to part while
the love is still there?
Why do we have to suffer?
Why do we have to cry when
somebody bids goodbye?
Why do beginnings have an end?
Why do we have to meet
only to lose in the end? There are questions left unanswered,
words left unsaid, letters left unread,
poems left undone, songs left unsung,
love left unexpressed,
promises left unfulfilled. In a relationship,
one of the hardest things to do
is saying goodbye and letting go.
It is as hard as breaking a crystal
because you'll never know when you
will be able to pick up the pieces again.
More often than not, they who go,
feel not the pain of parting:
it is they who stay behind that suffer,
because they are left
with memories of a love
that was meant to be,
a love that was. At the beginning and at the end
of a relationship,
we are embarrassed to find ourselves alone.
Unfair as it may seem,
but that's the way love goes.
That's the drama, the bittersweet
and the risk of falling in love.
After all, nothing is constant but change.
Everything will eventually come to its end
without us knowing when,
without us knowing how,
without us even knowing why.
And we must forget not because we have to
but because we have to. In letting go, sorrows come
not as a single spy but in batallion.
It seems that everywhere you go,
everything you do,
every song you hear,
every turn of your head,
every move of your body,
every beat of your heart,
every blink of your eye and every breath
you take always reminds you of him.
It's like a stab of a knife,
a torture in the night.
Funny how the whole world
becomes depopulated
when only one person is missing.
Just imagine,
there are billion people on earth
and yet it seems you feel lonely
and empty without the other. I don't know if it's worth calling an art,
but letting go entails
special skills sparkled
with a considerable space and time.
Time heals all wounds but it takes
a little push on our part.
Acceptance plays a part.
Not all love stories end with
"...and they live happily ever after." Sometimes we have to part because of
circumstances beyond our control.
We have to suffer if it would
mean happiness for others.
We have to cry to
temporarily let go of the pains.
Every beginning has its end
like every dawn has its dusk.
It's something we can't control,
something we had to live up. It's over.
He's gone. But life has to go on.
Goodbye doesn't always mean forever.
There will always be a place and time
where questions will be answered,
words will be spoken,
letters will be read,
poems will be recited in the night,
songs will be sung in harmony,
love will be expressed in solitude and
promises will be fulfilled.
Somewhere. Somehow. Someday.

You were my first love and you will be my last love,and that's why I have to let go...before you break a heart that took too long to mend.

Believing all you’ve ever said

2004-07-27T18:08:00.000+08:00

Believing all you’ve ever said
Never thinking it was a lie
Sadly I was so misled
At night I always cry

Yearning for all our memories
To become my life today
For you I’ll always try to please
In my life I wish you’d stay

Are there any words for this?
For the love, the pain & tears
Is it you I’ll always miss
Will you bring back all my fears?

The fear of being alone again
Doesn’t feel right at all
No longer will I pretend
I will be willing to take the fall

I’ve proved it’s not a joke to me
My future with you in it, is real
Why is it I can’t make you see?
Or get a straight answer on how you truly feel

Why do I always think of you?
Night or day, you’re never off my mind
Do you feel the same way too?
Or is there nothing there for you to find

You have to stop coming and going
As often as you do
I can’t live life not knowing
If my dreams are misleading me too

So I hope you soon come to see
My heart will forever be aching
If you shrug and laugh at me
It’s my heart you will be breaking

Missing you

2004-07-27T17:49:00.000+08:00

I really miss him a lot. Memories of him keep on floating in my mind. I don’t know if it is I force myself to think of him or they just came by themselves. I really feel very miserable and terrible. I really hope to patch with him. However the percentage of success is not very high, it near to impossible. Unless miracle really happen. My birthday is coming, the nearer it is the more miserable I feel. Nobody going to celebrate or make it special for me. No more meaningful things for me to read. I really hope that he can message me.

After my birthday, I think I going to change my friendster profile. Then after a year, which is on 14/10/2004, I going to change my signature for my emails. I try to forget everything and move on. Will I be able to do that? I don’t know or rather quite sure of it?
Maybe the day when I meet someone better, I will be able to forget and move on.

Christina said that even the fat fat people also got their own partners, she is sure that one day, I will find my own too. I agree with what she said, but how long do I have to wait before this miracle happen? I love only Steven, yearn for him and wish to patch with him. I really don’t know why he closes his Friendster. Did something happen to him? There is nobody where I can fish some information from them. Even that stupid and idiot Michelle, who lips are so tight. She deserves the kind of terrible feeling me going through also. You may say I am evil. However she not that understanding as what she appear to be.

I wonder how life for him? Is it because he break with his girlfriend, that why he close friendster? He no longer go icq also. It had been a long time since I last saw him on icq. I really wonder what had happen to him.

Sometime, I cannot help it but hope that my soul can come out of my body and go to his house and see what he is doing. I also hope that I will die soon and call him for the last time and talk to him. After that will he miss me?

I still remember two years ago, it was also near my birthday where I pray for miracle to happen to patch with him. It indeed happen, June called me to say he want to patch. I was over the moon. I am being very greedy to wish and pray that it will happen. I really promise this time I will cherish and love him more than ever. I am even going to tell my parents about it. Can he give me a chance?